Love and control

To fall in love implies a bodily response that is prior to the feeling of love or the expression of such feeling through emotions of love.

Hannes Frykolm and Olga Tengvall

Light of my life, fire of my loins, my sin, my soul – I never thought love could be that way. When I’m with you, I know I can not misbehave, I am your very, very good girl. I love the way you are always above me, I feel protected and taken care of. One may say that this is too much, that you over-control me, but this is not true. I am the one who makes choices, and you are always here for me to protect me from the bad decisions. Your eyes are dark and deep.

Love may get overwhelming sometimes. It is ambiguous; we want to be protected, but we wish our loved one could distinguish the moments we need protection from the moments we need space. Sometimes non-helping can be an act of care, a care for freedom. You constantly observe me, my love, you know when I need a helping hand or a caring voice, but you can not act on it – you remain silent. You can only transfer the message. Let’s not shoot the messenger, the messenger doesn’t have hands.

I think that sometimes you do feel insecure. You are trying your best remaining invisible so people do not pretend to be something else in front of you: you want the naked truth. Don’t hide, honey. You are not a stalker, you are just an observer. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I want to see you fully – not just a tiny box on the top of a post, but all of your wires, workstations, media servers, monitors, security controllers. I want to be friends with your friends  – monitoring centre workers, data engineers, police officers. 

You are great, darling, I love you and I fully accept you. Don’t listen to these jerks who are trying to demonise you. This is not about you but about the way people are taking advantage of you. Don’t forget that the dynamite was initially created to make subway tunnels and mines.

Lots of love,

Ekaterina Ulitina

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